Not Just Passing Through
by despreble
Summary: Events preceeding Stef's decleration in the school parking lot.
1. Chapter 1

Stef sat at her kitchen table, her head in her hands unable to stop the tears that were falling. Tears of confusion, tears of frustration, ultimately tears of shame. Shame at how she felt, shame at who she now realised she was but overwhelmingly shame over how she had treated Lena.

The day had started out so well. She had been positively giddy on her way to work. When she dropped Brandon off at school Lena had smiled at her and asked if she was free that evening. She and Lena had been spending time together these past few weeks. Though she would love to pretend it had started out innocently, if Stef was truthful she would have to admit that the first time she had set eyes on Lena Adams in the school playground all attempts at innocence had evaporated.

She looked at her and felt things she hadn't felt since she was sixteen. The attraction was so powerful she had forgotten what she was even doing there and made a complete fool of herself in front of the most beautiful woman she had ever set eyes on. Lena however had been gracious and charming and engaged her delightfully in conversation as they toured the school. Stef walked away from their encounter buzzing but confused. When her phone rang three days later and Lena was on the other end requesting help for preparing the classroom for the new kindergarten children the following week she didn't think before committing to help.

Driving to the school that day she had been so nervous. She had no idea what to expect. Would there be other parents there? Would she be able to speak once in Lena's presence? Would she feel that same electric feeling when she saw her? She had arrived to find three other prospective parents in the classroom helping to stick posters to the wall and making name-tags for the children's coat hooks. On seeing the others there Stef felt a surge of disappointment but determined to get on with the job at hand.

She had been delegated a task and was chatting with one of the other mothers but glancing in Lena's direction at every possible moment. She began to notice that most times she looked in her direction she found Lena looking back at her. As the tasks got completed slowly the other parents all left, Stef made it her business to dawdle ensuring that she was left alone with Lena.

"Thanks for your help with this. The kids will really appreciate it when they arrive next week!"

"No problem, it's my pleasure" Stef racked her brains for something more to say. Anything to draw out the time she could spend with Lena.

Then suddenly out of nowhere she hear Lena ask

"Would you like to go and get a cup of coffee?"

Stef could barely breathe as she nodded her head yes in reply as she felt a deep flush engulfing her cheeks.

"Let me just grab my purse from the staff room" Lena had replied and disappeared out the door.

Stef stood there thoughts swarming through her head. What was she doing? What was she thinking? Despite the reasoning part of her brain telling her this was a bad idea, every fibre of her being wanted to follow Lena anywhere she was leading.

They had gone for coffee and the conversation had been light and easy. That was until Lena had asked about Mike. Stef had explained that they were on a break, that they were working on their relationship, that she didn't want Brandon to come from a broken home. Suddenly Lena's eyes had gotten darker and Stef felt her hand cover her own across the table. The feel of the other woman's skin on her own caused Stef to close her eyes momentarily and gasp. The words that she heard Lena utter next had undone her.

"There are other ways then divorce that a home can be broken"

Stef felt the tears stinging behind her eyelids. She didn't want to open her eyes and have them fall in front of this angelic creature in front of her. Eventually she had no choice. Slowly she opened her eyes and met Lena's intense gaze as she felt the moisture make its way down her cheeks. Suddenly the hand resting on her own was gone, immediately she missed it, until she felt the pad of Lena's thumb rub the tear from her cheek. For a split second she leaned her cheek into the palm of Lena's hand until she realised what she was doing.

It was all too overwhelming. She jumped up from her chair making her apologies. She grabbed a twenty dollar bill from her pocket placing it on the table and made a hasty exit. She drove home her mind racing. She knew she had behaved badly but she didn't know what to do. When Lena had touched her with such affection, something so deep in her had stirred that she wasn't sure what she would have done if she had stayed sitting at that table.

She had been tormented the whole evening. Brandon was with his Dad and so she had nothing to distract her from her own thoughts. About an hour later her phone beeped indicating a message. It was from Lena.

I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable earlier. I shouldn't have commented on your marriage. I was out of order. X Lena

Stef felt her heart clench in her chest as she read it. She wanted to explain to Lena why she had run but she didn't even have the words for herself. Instead she replied

I'm sorry I ran out of there. I just have a lot going on right now. I really enjoyed your company though. Perhaps we could do it again and this time I promise I won't run away. X Stef

Sure. How about Friday afternoon? I'll hold you to your promise not to run.

And that was how it began. They had spent time together over these past few weeks - glorious time full of fun and laughter but each carefully avoiding any serious topics, that was until this evening.

Stef had agreed to meet Lena that evening at a local park for a walk. As she parked her car she saw Lena look up from the park bench and give her a wave. Even such a simple gesture made her feel warm inside. Stef resolved to try and talk to Lena this evening and explain how she felt. She locked her car and made her way to the other woman.

"Hey" she said gently as she approached the teacher.

"Hey" came the reply. There was a beat, a moment of silence in which she thought Lena was going to say something more before suddenly she shook her head lightly and said

"Come on let's walk" as she gestured to the path in front of them.

They walked side by side discussing the value of a good public school system in society when Stef suddenly found herself reaching for Lena's hand. Something about how naturally the conversation was flowing, how gorgeous Lena looked with the light breeze sweeping the curls back of her face, filled Stef with a courage she'd never known. She slid her palm beside Lena's and intertwined their fingers. Almost as soon as she had done it she felt the woman beside her stop walking. Lena lifted their intertwined hands up and held them between them raising her eyebrow at Stef in a questioning gaze.

Stef shrugged her shoulders. "It just felt right" she whispered hoarsely. Stef suddenly felt very self concious that she was standing in the middle of a public park holding another woman's hand and it would appear that Lena didn't even want her to.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have I…." Stef mumbled looking around her to see if they were being watched as she tried to pull her hand away.

Her attention was drawn back to Lena's face though as she felt the grip tighten on her hand.

"No. No Stef you don't get to just let go. What are you doing? What are we doing here?"

"I….I" Stef felt her throat tighten the words stuck inside her. Supressed so far down for so long encased in such shame that she couldn't get them to come out.

She heard the sigh from the woman before her. "I really like you Stef. I want to spend time with you. I want to get to know you better, but you know this isn't platonic for me. This is not some game, I'm gay Stef"

Stef couldn't help herself flinch as the words left Lena's lips. She couldn't stand to hear Lena define this thing between them. She didn't want to face what she had been running from for so long.

Lean saw it. The visceral reaction to those words and suddenly she was filled with dread. What was she doing letting herself get involved in this mess. This woman was married for goodness sake. She had let herself believe that this connection she felt when she was with her was something special but as she saw the blonde woman physically react to her words she realised she was in way over her head.

"I'm a lesbian Stef. That's who I am and I don't think you are even ready to acknowledge to yourself what you're feeling never mind tell anyone else. I don't think you could even say the word lesbian."

Stef was staring at the ground, Lena's words were hitting home and that made them all the harder to hear. She couldn't even raise her gaze to meet Lena's. She felt her hand being squeezed, Lena's thumb rubbing the back of her hand.

"I care about you Stef but I can't be your little experiment until you realise you want to go back to Mike"

There was a question in her tone. Stef could hear it. Lena was asking her to acknowledge something. To acknowledge how she felt about Lena and what she wanted. But all that Stef could hear was a voice in her head shouting loudly.

"You're not gay, don't be ridiculous, a lesbian, that's disgusting. You have a husband. Go home to your husband"

And that was the voice she listened to. Lena faded into the distance as she gently let go of her hand and Stef raised her eyes and sadly shook her head

"You're right" she said to Lena as she turned on her heel and ran.

Now, here she was at her kitchen table waiting for a text message she knew wouldn't come. Fighting her inner demons, filled with shame and consumed with regret.


	2. Chapter 2

Stef rushed up the path and quickly got into her car. She started the engine and pulled the car around the block breathing quickly her vision obscured by her falling tears. Once she was out of sight of her father's house she pulled over and cut the engine. She gasped for air unable to catch her breath. As she let the air out it was accompanied by a terrible sob and then she gave in to the need to cry. Not the quiet tears that had been falling since midway through her speech to her Dad but noisy messy tears, a release of pent up emotions she had only just realised were there.

Suddenly she let out a small ironic laugh. She was laughing at the Stef of ten years ago who had sat in a car on this same street crying similar tears. At that time speaking to her father had been the last step in what she saw as the ending of a journey to get to Lena. When she had told her father that she was gay, there had been the same eerie silence that there was following her speech today. Back then however she was so much less sure of herself and so she had felt the need to fill the silence. At that time she had still believed that somehow she could make him understand and ultimately to accept. Little did she know that the struggle was only beginning. It was only now all these years later she finally understood that she could never get the outcome she desired. No matter what Frank ever said Stef knew that deep down he would never truly approve of her relationship with Lena. He would never see it as equal in merit to what she had with Mike or what her parents had despite the fact that both those relationships ended in divorce.

To be fair, Stef acknowledged that Frank was mostly polite to Lena even from the start and now, all these years later he probably even cared for her. She believed that he loved his grandchildren. Despite all that though what she had finally realised, before she turned up in his kitchen earlier, was that fundamentally he would never truly come to terms with her sexuality. He would always view it as something that was wrong with her and that was the voice she had been battling her whole life. Sure, for the last decade she had slowly managed to silence it. Since that day in the park when she hadn't even been able to look at Lena and admit that she was gay, she had worked hard at self acceptance. With this wedding though, she had been surprised to hear the voice reawaken.

The hurt on Lena's face earlier in their bedroom had forced her to confront herself. There were many wonderful things about her relationship with Lena but amongst the most important was Lena's continuous ability to call her out when she deserved it. Sometimes she did it in a gentle way as she had during the start of their relationship forcing Stef to confront her own internalised homophobia. Less frequently she did it in a truly confrontational way as she had recently over the debacle over Brandon's punishment with Mike. Occasionally however she did it somewhat unintentionally by revealing to Stef through her own reactions how deeply Stef's behaviour affected her. That was precisely what had transpired that afternoon.

"Let's just not get married" Lena had trailed off the slight crack of emotion barely detectable in her voice but to Stef who knew her so well it was clearly audible.

She had watched her slam the bathroom door and she had been tempted to let herself believe that her partner was just over reacting. That all of this was just a lot of fuss over nothing and Lena was blowing things out of proportion. It was the tiny crack of emotion in Lena's voice, the change from the anger that she was clearly happy for Stef to see and hear to the deep hurt that was there as she walked away that resonated with Stef.

She had grabbed her keys and taken off in the car for a drive to try and clear her head. Ever since she had first obtained her licence the car was where she retreated to let herself think. As she drove around she was tortured by that tone in Lena's voice. She knew that it was justified. She was trying to minimise this wedding. If she was so inclined she could come up with a long list of perfectly valid reasons why - the fact that they were already so committed to one another, the fact that they couldn't afford to have a big fancy wedding at this time, the fact that celebrating so soon after the outcome of Liam's trial seemed odd. As she drove around however she forced herself to admit the truth. The voice that had almost kept her from Lena all those years ago had crept back into her head. The voice that told her that there was something wrong with her and then by extension something wrong with the love that they shared.

There was just something so public about a wedding, something which forced everyone they encountered to accept their relationship in a very specific way. Now when she introduced Lena as her wife no one would be able to snigger and laugh, or if they did they would be laughing at a simple statement of fact. Something in all of that made her feel uncomfortable. She tried hard to pinpoint exactly what it was and then it had come to her. Her father was one of those people. Someone who could get past his own prejudices enough to come and sit at their table, to be present in their lives, but ultimately was doing it from a place where he looked on them as less than. On her part somewhere along the way she had tacitly agreed that he was right. A part of her that thought that maybe she didn't have the right to have people fully accept her as long as they weren't actively harassing her.

That hurt in Lena's voice today had jolted her awake though. It made her realise that as far as she had come these last ten years she still allowed her father's deep seated opinion to cloud her own mind. The one thing that Stef could hold to be true and without question, was the love that she and Lena shared. She knew that it was real and equal to the love any other couple might share and as she drove around in the car she realised that there was nothing about their love that was broken and therefore there was nothing about her loving Lena that was a reflection of anything other than the very best parts of who she was. Emboldened by her clarity of thought she had gone to speak to her father. She knew as she walked out the door that he wouldn't come to her wedding. Her father was nothing if not an honest man. That honesty would prevent him from coming to a wedding which he would never approve of in the way Stef wanted. So she had told him that what he was offering wasn't enough, that being tolerated but not truly accepted was not what she deserved. Her relationship with Lena and the family that they were raising together was not his to think less of.

So she dried her tears and headed for home. Home to the woman who she would be truly proud to call her wife tomorrow.


End file.
